A lap for two

I think I've mentioned that I often think about whether to (not now but ever) have another child.

Most of the time, I just get caught up in foggy dreams of soft baby blankets and tiny onesies and all the things I'd do differently the last time (a cradle! a TV in the nursery!) and never progress much beyond that point.

Other times (usually around 4 or 5 am when I'm up with a sick Nate), I take a good look at the stark reality of doing it all over again and can't imagine where I'd start to get the energy (or the patience).

The benefit of experience means that I know how bad it gets. You make the decision with eyes wide open (but with a dash of "It couldn't be that bad again, right?!"). The good news is that there are less surprises (i.e. "why didn't anyone tell me this could happen?") and chances are you've worked out ways to deal with a lot of the crazy stuff.

It also means that you've faced the worst parenting moments and have seen all your flaws revealed. And sometimes it's so hard that you suspect, down to your core, that you should never have another child since you're struggling so much with the ones you have.

But I'm surrounded by pregnant ladies and newborns these days and just when you think you've quieted the tug-tug-tug for a while, a friend walks in with a little ball of a baby and you turn to mush.

And so the debate rages on. (Only for me, though; the Director is quite convinced that the experience of newborn Nate must never be repeated.)

In the meantime, I have my toddler. I sneak in the closeness I can with a little boy who is always on the move but every once in a while, lets his mama hold him close.

Especially when he's sick. Fevers are good for one thing, I say.

My baby Nate at 19.5 months:

But I've been thinking a lot lately about how we treat Mela. She is technically still only a two year old (for one more month!). But clearly we treat her like she's older (and expect more) because she's so freakin big!

We've been around another little girl her age recently and just by the sheer size of her, you want to carry her around all the time (which her parents sometimes do). I couldn't tell you the last time I actually carried Mela in the house.

Is that fair? No. Her best friend is a 4 year old and I get super mad at her when she has a temper tantrum like a baby. Like the two year old she actually is.

My big kid Mela at 20 months:
The problem is, I just don't have the energy to give TWO toddlers the attention they need right now (both have colds and are cranky/clingy). I can't hold them both, comfort them both, especially when the big kid snaps my patience ten times a day.

So in that situation, Nate's squeaky wheel wins (right now he has a fever and a SERIOUS case of "mommy-itis").

But at least I finally clued in to what might be causing some of her attitude issues.

And so this morning, my lap is big enough for two. And it feels like more than enough.