It was a dark and stormy day ...

It's raining here today. My high school English teacher would call this "pathetic fallacy" - when the weather reflects the mood of a character. My mood right now is definitely dark.

Dropped Amelia off at Lisa and Matt's today for her first full day with the nanny. The morning went quite smoothly, actually - Chris and I figured out a schedule ahead of time and everything went like clockwork getting out the door (although I'll have to build in extra time for packing a lunch, since my work cafeteria charges a fortune for a small salad).

Once we got to Matt and Lisa's, Amelia was at ease right away, crawling around the floor with Nuala and looking for new trouble to get into. We spent the afternoon there yesterday, actually and I think it helped to acclimatize her a bit more to both Maria and the new place. She and Nuala are pretty adorable together - I'll have to take a video to capture the cuteness of the two of them (e.g. "talking" to each other).

Leaving their place was traumatic for me, though. I snuck out when Mela had her back turned and then I had a terrible drive to work, crying the whole way. It's amazing I didn't have an accident, considering the visibility of tears + rain. For some reason, I didn't think it was going to be that hard today, since I've left her for afternoons before and it's only two days this week. I just kept picturing her, though, turning around and realizing I was gone and then sitting alone on the floor, crying inconsolably. It's funny; it's the oldest story in the book (i.e. mom is sad to leave her baby and go back to work) but it is very new to me. I'm guessing that the pregnancy hormones aren't helping matters, either. Needless to say, I haven't been able to get very much work done so far.

I did just call to give Maria my new work number, actually, and she said that Amelia was fine and wasn't upset at all that I'd left. She said she cried a bit at nap time, which is normal. That makes me feel better, although I'm still pretty wrecked inside. Every time I think about it, my eyes blur up. It's taking all my energy not to jump into my car and race home to get her right now!

Being back at work is interesting ... it's like I never left, in a way. I am at a different desk now (with a window!) which helps change things a bit, but otherwise, it's like I'm in a parallel universe where I never had a baby. Everything is just as I left it, even some projects that were supposed to launch a year ago! Except now I just don't care passionately about things like website usability, CMS's or or achieving the buy-in of sensitive stakeholders. It all seems like a high-stress game that people have become too caught up in (e.g. I have four email messages already that are "high priority" and "urgent!"). The problem is, if I don't make myself care more, I'll never be able to last the paltry four months I'm back!

Actually, it's kind of like I've gone back in time and still haven't had the baby yet, since I'm sitting here wearing maternity pants and just felt a familiar little flutter of movement in my belly!

Speaking of the new baby, by the way, I think there was some kind of growth spurt this week; the last couple of days, I've kept falling into bed exhausted for long naps and there is a bump showing now that wasn't there before. I'll have Chris take a pic and post it - funny that we haven't taken a single belly shot yet. Still can't believe we're not going to know the gender; I'm still in shock.

Anyway, the first day is almost half over now and isn't the first day always the hardest? I'm sure that in a couple of weeks, it will all be routine. And in my heart, I know that this isn't nearly as hard on Mela as it is on me. In some ways, she's better off with the new situation (playmate her own age, lots of stimulating outdoor activities all day) than just being with me in our living room.

Just can't wait until 4:30 pm ...