Blake Days

Mela started day care this week.

On Monday we went first thing in the morning, she had some breakfast (funny how she won't eat cantaloupe at home but gobbled it up there!), and we played until nap time.

At that point, she started to get a little fussy and it seemed like we had spent enough time for the first day (I was feeling overwhelmed!). There were also enough crying babies for them to deal with at that point (cute little girl around Amelia's age would sob every time the caregiver tried to set her down). So we called it a day and went home. Spent the rest of the day having good naps and laughing hysterically at everything Mom did (I was on a comedy streak!).

Yesterday we went back. Same thing again: had breakfast, played with some toys (i.e. would find something fun then have it stolen by aggressive little hellion), etc. Watched as another mom dropped off her toddler and then toddler spent the next hour sobbing inconsolably. Felt heart start to slowly rip from my chest.

Time came for nap and I prepared to leave. Things were fine until someone tried to touch Mela and she broke away, only to notice me leaving. Flung herself at the gate with her arms up, sobbing. I left the area and went to the office to talk financials with the supervisor. After a couple minutes, could hear Mela start to cry hysterically.

Pretty much ran from the building at that point, blinded by tears. Sat in the park next store and cried. Pretended not to be crying every time teens from local high school walked by but eventually gave up. (Note: apparently pregnancy and abandoning your child to be cared for by strangers don't mix.) Wished for kleenex.

Called my mom, who talked me off the ledge. Spent the next three hours walking around aimlessly, too upset to go home (I was afraid that if I saw her toys, I'd lose it again). Went to the library and got her a bunch of books. Went to a bookstore and bought her a couple books (the classic Hand, Hand, Fingers,Thumb and a new fav, One Duck Stuck). Tried to read the paper at an outdoor patio but too sad. Bought her some organic Annie Mac 'n' Cheese (so happy to have found it here!). Tried not to cry and/or tell every passerby that my baby was currently brokenhearted without me. Seriously considered quitting job.

Finally, the time was up and I raced back. (Actually, I lumbered back at a slow crawl - turns out the new baby doesn't like it when I walk for long periods of time, even if it's because I'm too sad to go home.)

As I entered the baby area, I could see one of the workers trying to give Mela a cup of milk and rock her in the glider. She was crying and trying to get away. Of course, this means that in my mind, she spent the entire three hours crying. I ran in and snatched her up and started hugging and kissing her. She seemed relatively glad to see me, although tired and cranky (no nap).

The workers said that she did "very well" for her first day and that, other than the fact she refused to let them get her to sleep, she was good. They said she played "independently" and ate her food "on her own." That's my stubborn little toddler!

We got home and I read her all seven books as many times as she wanted (she's really developed an appetite for books lately!). The rest of the day was a write-off, since she was tired and hungry and I kept misreading which of those things she was, since her whole schedule was off. She spent the last hour of her day pretty much screaming. After I put her to bed, I ate a cookie and put myself to bed, since I was ready to start screaming myself.

This morning, I was still so upset that I made Chris go with me for the drop-off. Was so upset getting ready to leave the house that I felt nauseous and almost started to cry. Mela didn't freak out, though, when we entered the Baby Room, which I took as a good sign, and in fact, seemed quite pleased when they offered her some delicious watermelon. Gave Chris the tour and introduced him to the staff. There were only a couple other kids there, none of them sobbing, so much more peaceful atmosphere than yesterday. Mela seemed relatively unperturbed as we waved goodbye.

Just called to check in, though, and apparently she slept for 10 minutes TOTAL today (compared to an average of 3-4 hrs). God help us all tonight!

So what does it all mean? I knew that dropping your kid off at day care was painful. I knew that it takes time for the child to adjust and until then, they cry when you leave. I've heard the stories a million times. I just didn't know that it would feel so fundamentally wrong when it happened to me. I just kept looking at the crying kids and thinking how screwed up our society is, that we outsource everything, including the raising of our children. Like, here's the bread factory, here's the furniture factory and here's the baby-raising factory (Note: extreme opinion not commonly held).

Maybe I wasn't as emotionally prepared for it as I was back in March when we started with the nanny. I think I thought it would go more smoothly because she's older and has been left with a caregiver before. Maybe the pregnancy is making everything 100% more upsetting than it would be normally. Maybe I'm just a big suck who's overly attached to her child (hmm, maybe there is a downside to "attachment parenting").

Either way, it was a bad day. But I keep telling myself, it's only for four weeks (three and a half weeks now!). And then she'll be at home with me and in no time, I'll be sick of her and wanting to take her back.