So this is what they meant when they said it would be "hard" ...

In case you haven't noticed, it's been too busy around here to even open a computer, let alone write a post. Things have reached a peak of difficulty and I'm barely hanging on by my fingernails.

(Speaking of nails, anyone have any tips for cutting a toddlers nails? Mela's are atrociously long but she wiggles so much when I try to trim them, I always end up drawing blood. I'd rather she have talons than try that again.)

If you don't mind some venting, here's a list of things that are hard right now:

1. Mela. She has problems. She has digestive issues STILL and I don't know what to do about it (still waiting for the results of the disgusting stool sample). She hasn't had any fruit for weeks now and it still flares up.
   
   If I had my act together (i.e. only one child), I'd keep a food diary and closely monitor everything she eats. As it is, she has to suffer with a flaming bum almost every day.
   
   Also, she's going through the worst teething of her life. Who knew eye teeth were worse than molars?! She's cranky and whiny pretty much every day and seems so out of sorts. Last night she was drinking from her sippy cup and bit down wrong on the spout and burst into big, sobbing tears from the pain. She ate the rest of her dinner sitting on my lap.
   
   We give her Motrin but don't notice much of a difference. I just found out where to get some Orajel though and am going to use that, even though apparently, it can cause breathing problems. I don't care if it numbs her whole face, just as long as it gives her some relief and gives us our happy little girl back.
   
   
2. Nathan. I've now accepted that he is a fussy baby. Just like Mela was. If you read the definition of colic, it pretty much describes him. He cries a LOT and is pretty much inconsolable from about 6 pm until 12:30 am. It's a long, long time. Today he is actually hoarse from crying so much. Just like Mela used to be.
   
   So sad, because I really thought this time, we'd be smarter, better parents and we wouldn't all have to go through this again.
   
   After reading every thing I can find (in the short bursts on online time I have), it sounds like he has lactose overload (too much sweet stuff, not enough fatty stuff) and the only solution (nurse on one side at a time) is something I can't do (not enough milk). So we either have to wait it out (apparently almost all fussy babies get better by 3 - 4 months) or switch to formula and see if it helps.
   
   So here's the question: is it better to have a fussy, breastfed baby who is miserable all the time (and parents on the verge of a nervous breakdown) or a formula-fed baby who isn't in constant digestive pain and a happy momma who doesn't want to go on a murderous rampage?
   
   I knew it was too soon to say that breastfeeding was going to be a success. I shouldn't have celebrated so early.
   
   
3. Sleep. Since Nathan isn't settling until after midnight each night, that means I don't get a mini-nap in the evenings. And then he wakes up at 3, 5, 7 and 8 am.
   
   Which isn't that bad (standard newborn schedule) but I definitely need at least one nap during the day and he has decided now that sleeping in the swing is UNACCEPTABLE unless a boob or finger is in his mouth too. Which means I spend Mela's entire nap time bending over him, swinging my arm in time with the swing, finger in his mouth and back aching.
   
   Not exactly restful.
   
   
   
   Right now they're actually both asleep but I'm pumping as I type this and as soon as I stop, I'm sure one of them will be awake.
   
   If I don't get some sleep soon, I'm going to sell my children, leave my husband and move to California. I'll be lonely but very well rested.
   
   
4. Pain. On top of everything, I'm now in a low level of pain every day. Because things weren't tough enough already?!!
   
   There's some kind of pelvic thing going on that's achy and throbbing and kind of burning. What's up with that? It mostly happens when I'm nursing and apparently is related to hormones but I can't barely sit down some times when it's happening and yet nursing is the one time you have to sit down.
   
   Supposedly, this is some postpartum thing that will go away but I really find that it having constant aching pain is making me mentallllllll.
   

The worst part is that these things all combine to make me a bad mother. This week we had an incident where both babies were melting down at the same time (Mela's become a truculent toddler overnight and refuses to do anything I ask now!) and for a minute, I almost snapped.

Scary, scary stuff.

I say this so that if other people ever feel this way, they know that they're not the only ones. I used to think having a newborn was tough and now I realize that, although it was tough, having two of them like this is the hardest things I've ever tried to do.

I'm not even that bad off, either - I've got a ton of family help. I can't imagine trying to do this without the support we have.

I'm just going to have to figure out some plan to get through the next few months alive and then things will get better, right??

Gotta go, Nathan just woke up in the swing and is crying. Wish me luck.

p.s. No time to post pictures and haven't been taking that many anyway. I'll post some once the madhouse becomes a funhouse again.