Yurts in the woods and Aunts in the town
I've been thinking a lot about yurts lately.It all stems from the fact that parenting is hard. Like, really hard. In case you haven't noticed. And while I'm drowning, the analytic part of my brain is busy trying to figure out why.
Surely, we're doing something seriously wrong. Mankind (humankind?) has been doing this for literally millions of years and usually with a lot more kids than my measly two.
Granted, a lot of the kids usually died and people pretty much only lived until their mid-thirties (I'd be a village elder!) but still. As recently as a century ago, people were having pretty big families.
How did they have four, six, even eight kids and not lose their minds?
I've thought of a couple possibilities:
1) they did lose their minds. Their lives were ridiculously hard. They got up early, slaved all day (no dishwasher!) and sometimes even that was not enough to provide food for their family or save the farm. They went to church regularly and learned not to complain and basically just looked forward to eternal salvation (i.e. "rest").
Our generation is terribly spoiled and selfish and actually has TOO much time on our hands, which we all know, is the devil's workshop. Whatever that means.
2) they had hired help. Whenever I watch movies (everything I know, I learned from movies) or see references to family life in the recent past, they mention the housekeeper or the cook or the "nurse." In 101 Dalmations, the wife stays at home, her husband works from home (clearly not earning that much) and they have a "housekeeper"!
Why exactly did we get away from this tradition?? I realize that there used to be more of a upper/lower class division and that only the privileged class had help but really.
How awesome was that? The nurse/nanny would sleep in your kids' room and get up with them at night! I would be an awesome mom if I was well-rested.
Nowadays, we're all middle class and attachment parenting and baby slings and having it all. But what happens when our expectations of life exceed the actual drudgery of the rice and salt days?
3) we're too isolated. I secretly think it's the root of all of our problems. See, my life is miserable today because my teething toddler was up about a million times last night (definitely a tooth - I can almost see it now!) and I'm alone at home with two cranky kids all day.
If I lived in a tribal environment (think African huts or a collection of yurts), I'd have the other women in the group to help me. My mom would be there and could offer advice and baby sit for a bit so I could get a nap. My sisters would be there, offering moral support.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that looking after kids is 10 times easier when you're in a group. You can commiserate, share tips and the chickens are entertained by the other people/kids and not as bored (I call it the "playgroup effect").
When we're trapped inside for the majority of the day (conflicting nap schedules + kids who don't nap well on the go), everyone gets bored. (See nature deficit disorder for more info on this.)
Instead of climbing rocks or learning basket weaving, they are trying to climb the bookcase (and getting scolded) or drawing on the floor (and getting scolded).
So I sweat the small stuff, like trying to corral my kids and millions of muffin crumbs all over the floor.
But if you lived in a small, close-knit group (think yurts in the forest), you have group support and companionship for all the drudgery of daily life (meals, cleaning, tantrums, diapers). I bet muffin crumbs aren't stressful if you live in a yurt.
Don't get me wrong, though - I'm not saying I want to live in an African village (this runs along the lines of the whole Romantic Naturalism mistake - I've lived on a farm and I know it's no fun).
But it makes me think. Right now, we're on the precipice of a new house and a new life (one week 'til we get the keys!!). So I'm thinking of paint colours and furniture arrangement but also of lifestyle choice. Thoreau advised: "Our life is frittered away by detail... Simplify, simplify, simplify!"
So what can we do?
- Sleep in a pile. Going up and down these stairs all night is killing me. If Wild Things has taught me anything, it's that everyone is happy when they're sleeping together in a pile. Except when we try that, we get kicked all night and woken up at 5 am. Not sure how to get around that part of it.
- Have lots of family close by (i.e. walking distance). The good news is that my sis and bro-in-law live about 400m from our new place. The bad news is that my parents live several provinces away and my only neice is in another country. Dare to dream.
- Try to get more nature. The location of the new house means we'll be able to get out for walks more and there's an "urban wilderness park" (i.e. overgrown lot) around the corner. Ideally, we'd have warm weather all year round, though; the whole get-outside thing is a lot harder when you have to spend 20 minutes putting on mittens.
- Simplify. Not sure how but might start by only unpacking 1/2 our boxes. Seriously. As someone who is a natural pack rat, I aspire to significantly declutter during the unpacking process. Maybe I just won't unpack some boxes at all. This will help our home feel less crowded and stressful, right? If the kids only have 3 toys each, I won't have to clean up toys all day!
Until then, I have muffin to clean up.
Say click:
MARY VISIT!!!
Finally, someone else to appreciate the bridge as much as I do:
Proof that you can eat out with two little kids. Just expect to eat one-handed with an interruption every 2 minutes (Nate was still a bit sick so spent the whole time playing with chopsticks and eyeing the muscle men at the table next to us):
One happy family, and one grumpy kid:
The ladies out of the house without kids!! Exploring the city! Mary said to strike a pose. So I did:
Eating at an awesome grocery store!
Playing tourist in my new town:
Aunt Mar-Mar with the kidlets and a oil rig:
Taking the kids to the grocery requires two adults, a giant dog, funny faces and lots of soothers.
Nate's discovered sticking out his tongue. We were amused.
Hali put on its best fog face:
Lovely walk along the cold, foggy waterfront:
Family snuggles:
Comments
1. Kids have psychological and emotional demands that no person can live up to. There is no perfect motherhood (see Damomma's on this: http://damomma.com/2009/11/15/to-not-cut-out-for-motherhood/). You can never win, you can only survive in the style that best suits your family. And when it gets overwhelming and you realize that you want to be wondeful and perfect and you feel failure, walk away for awhile. Use nearby family to babysit and go for a drive to Bedford and have lunch.
2. The Globe had a really controversial article last week about parent coaches and it rang familiar to what you've been saying. One section made me laugh:
"After all, when Molly refuses to eat anything but Cheddar Bunnies and four-year-old Jayden still isn't potty-trained, who ya gonna call? For many Gen-X parents, it won't be Grandma.
"You only know how to parent as far as you were parented," says Mary Aldous, a Calgary mother who was spanked as a child. When her own daughter, now 4, became defiant, she says, "I figured there must be better ways." " http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/parents-turn-to-coaches-for-childrearing-advice/article1364538/
You're going to have to make mistakes and wing it and as Damomma wrote, "Try to get some sleep. Ask for help. It’s okay to let her cry".
As for the idea of a yurt, imagine living in THAT fishbowl. I'm too strong willed and "independently minded" to submit to such a closed community. I wouldn't be able to follow you there, sister, although I'm happy to be your out-of-town rescue when you need it.
Much love and moral support!!!
SOOOOOOO, we try to surround ourselves with others as much as possible, because this feels much more natural. And the sleep thing in a bit hopeless because no one (go figure) seems to want to hang around for the night shift, and so, we suffer, and as I'm finding with two children, try to laugh at how incredibly miserable the situation can get (two kids waking up back and forth every hour through the night??? no way?) I kept track last night and I had seven solid wake ups... its so cruel to a body. But, this too shall pass (I've heard).
I digress.... hang in there sister.
Allison