One spring day goes a long way

Today was the day I pictured when I decided to be a stay-at-home mom.

Not that it was ever really much of a choice: from my earliest memory, my parents told us that we didn't have things that others kids did because my mom didn't work out of the home so that she could be with us and that was the most important thing.

Personally, I would've like to have had a nice pencil case and another cabbage patch doll and a little less homebaked bread (wonder bread was sooo soft!) but what did I know?!

But somehow, the indoctrination sunk in.

I never questioned whether I would work when I had small kids. In high school, I felt huge relief when a friend whispered that she didn't want a career as much as she wanted to raise kids. I felt like my secret lack of career ambition was shared by at least one other feminist.

So I went through the motions, the university degree, the government job. But always had one overwhelming reason to exist. To be an awesome mom.

When Chris and I had only been dating a little while, I announced one night that I was going to stay home with my kids someday. I'll always remember his reaction because it was so calm: he said in that case, he'd better get a well paying job.

(see how ironic the whole thing is now that I find it so damn hard?! Be careful what you wish for ... it might actually come true.)

And now here we are and it's terrible and exhausting and monotonous and boring and I'm not fun or awesome at all but grumpy and moody and tired and drained.

But today ... today, it is spring.

Today I woke up beside my warm, sweet smelling daughter and laughed when she announced, "Mr Sun is awake. We gotta get up!" (thank you Mr Time Change for some extra sleep!)

Today my children played nicely (sometimes even with each other!) while I cooked a healthy breakfast. We sang songs while we ate and laughed at Nate's hammy antics.

Today we took our time getting dressed and walked down the big hill to the library. The sun came out and I got a tasty coffee. We played with dinosaurs and read a million books and Nate drank from a water fountain for the first time in his life and gasped because it was cold but laughed because it was fun. And we got in trouble with the librarian because Nathan kept making breaks for it but seriously, you can't follow two kids when they're running in different directions!!

Today we walked home and the big hill was a little easier, a little more manageable (although my heart almost flopped out of my chest during one ridiculous stretch), a little more like invigorating exercise that makes you feel alive and healthy and like you're actually finally doing something to get rid of the last 10lbs of that baby weight.

Today we got home and didn't go in. We dug in the dirt and played Daredevil Drop with little cars and drove boats away from sharp rocks and explored some new foolish flowers poking up through the damp dirt.

For a short time, I actually sat in the sun and read a magazine.

We ate healthy soup for lunch and sang some more songs and laughed some more at Nate. And then he went to sleep like a lamb and I did mountains of laundry (seriously, how does that get done when you're working?!) and hung clothes on my own clothesline for the first time.

And now Mela is playing by herself (BY HERSELF!) while I'm quietly cleaning the kitchen and rocking to R2 Drive.

And when I look out the window, I don't see frozen yards and a city of strangers and a province-not-my-own. I see a clothesline full of little kid shirts and toddler pajamas floating in the warm sun and see a whole future of sizes on that line and lots of time to figure out how to be, if not awesome, at least a pretty decent mom.

Say click:

Starting the day in style: This was a really big part of our day. Mela calls it "Digging in the garden so the bugs and worms and ladybugs can come out!" ... Nate calls it, "Poking the dirt."
Mela works diligently:
Nathan enjoys a dirt snack:
Short break indoors for naked reading: Time to clean up: